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  2001.07.09  13.50
gotta... get... back... in... the... habit...

well... yeah... sorry i keep forgetting to post in here only i have been writing a bit of random crap in a joint diary with dave at http://www.opendiary.com (username: whiteisthenewclack) come visit or something ok darlings?
but yeah... i <3 this diary so really shouldnt just leave it here... all alone... ::sniffles:: so here i am... writing in my usual disjointed manner. yes.
and arent u enjoying it kiddy winks?
possibly not but hey... not my problem.
so yeah... whats new... i got paid for my work experience so it was worthwhile, i have my grade 8 LAMDA (scripted) on thursday and i dont know my lines, i've spent WAY too much ��� recently on clothes, cds... blah blah blah, i'm still with dave (hes the best thing since sliced bread. in my opinion), the weather in the UK is actually HOT for once (aaah armageddon, soon itll be plagues of locusts!), neighbours is drivelling on the TV in the next room and im DESPERATELY trying to ignore it and drown it out with my musique, the one and only PULP are playin at Guildford festival this year (ok so the rest of the line up is shit apt from bentley rhythm ace, catatonia, james, cast, skinny, alabama 3 and tindersticks but hey, not the point, jarv's there and its close to home and cheaper than any other fests - haha wonder why), im might be seeing dave again this evening - which sounds rather yumm to me, my summer has OFFICIALLY begun - ie no more school (apt from drama exam), and... yes.. someones bugging me to go on that habbohotel thing... been there, done that, got the habbo. hot damn im bored (hot damn? where the hell did that phrase come from?!).

I wrote this song two hours before we met.
I didn't know your name or what you looked like yet.
Oh I could have stayed at home and gone to bed.
I could have gone to see a film instead.
You might have changed your mind and seen your friends.
Life could have been very different but then,
something changed.
Do you believe that there's someone up above?
Does he have a timetable directing acts of love?
Why did I write this song on that one day?
Why did you touch my hand and softly say.
Stop asking questions that don't matter anyway.
Just give us a kiss to celebrate here today.
Something changed.
When we woke up that morning we had no way of knowing,
that in a matter of hours we'd change the way we were going.
Where would I be now if we'd never met?
Would I be singing this song to someone else instead?
I dunno but like you said
something changed.

awww happiness :)

life could not be much better... ::sigh::

altho so much for the hot weather - its turned kinda cold all of a sudden :( - which is bad. im actually quite chilly - need to go get a sleevie to wear under this jumper... hmmm. ::coldness::

i'd better go now before i turn into a human ice-pole... latazzz ~xxx~

p/s just got shouted down by mother. farewell good mood :/

Mood: pissed off

(4 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.30  21.07

hello again darlings... well i better explain all...
i am no longer single. ok so its only been a week but yeah... i couldnt be happier
i know what ur all thinking "shes on the rebound" - but just ask dave - i dont think this is just a whim.
so ive only met him twice, but its no different to meeting someone at a party - plus i've had the luck of talkin to him online for the past almost 2 years now...
its quite scary we are...
same star sign...
same interests...
same talents....
same sense of humour...

and then theres the whole name thing between my family's decisions and his... ok... i know this will mean NOTHING to you guys but it will to dave...

its well weird - i cant stop smiling at the moment... aaaah... cant wait to see him on wednesday :) so so happy.

anyway i better be goin - my pizza will arrive in a mo :)


Mood: ecstatic

(1 lover | kiss me)

  2001.06.29  21.11
absence makes the heart grow fonder

thus explaining why ur all so much in love with me!!
sorry i havent written for ages i too have been busy being happy. as well as working my arse off.
well yeah, so ... er... i met david, basically.
the male equivalent of me
and things are dandy. oh yes they are.
and i cant type muchy coz my laptop is bein stoopid and not typing properly (d'oh blame the technology)


(3 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.24  16.41
lay-zee daze in the sun

well actually it was under an hour before i started to burn and had to come in :(
well im still totally in love with being single - its a pretty nice feeling, knowing that u can flirt with anyone.. tehehehe.

im bored and have nothing to do so am tryin to design a nice new webpage... and failing miserably. i jus cant get the colors right.

well i'll see ya round gotta go spread some gossip and dance around to the smiths for a bit


Mood: energetic

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.23  21.51
yes, im here again. bored - need to write.

so yeah, im single again. its such a relief, i dont really hafta worry about what i look like, what i act like, i can just be myself. i mean, i was myself with him around, just... i was restricted y'know... his stony silences felt like he was judging me. giving me a mark out of ten.

which isnt a nice feeling.

[.:new objects of affection:.]
* morrissey (hehe)
* someone i've known TOO long
* brian molko, as ever.
* someone dark
* someone scary
* jarv
* anyone wordy who dresses mod
* infact anyone mod.

i was gunna write loads but everyones talkin now and im hopeless at multi-tasking.

byebyes huns

Mood: indescribable

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.23  21.30
prologue - what i have lived for - bertrand russell - 25th july 1956

[.:i love this piece so much, so i thought i'd share it with u guys:.]

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind. These passions, like great winds, have blown me hither and thither, in a wayward course, over a deep ocean of anguish, reaching to the very verge of despair.

I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy -- ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness -- that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it, finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what -- at last -- I have found.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge. I have wished to understand the hearts of men. I have wished to know why the stars shine. And I have tried to apprehend the Pythagorean power by which number holds sway above the flux. A little of this, but not much, I have achieved.

Love and knowledge, so far as they were possible, led upward toward the heavens. But always pity brought me back to earth. Echoes of cries of pain reverberate in my heart. Children in famine, victims tortured by oppressors, helpless old people a hated burden to their sons, and the whole world of loneliness, poverty, and pain make a mockery of what human life should be. I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot, and I too suffer.

This has been my life. I have found it worth living, and would gladly live it again if the chance were offered me.


(kiss me)

  2001.06.23  21.25
text message of the day

"OK" - R [.:short but sweet? actualy no, hes quite tall *boom bloody boom*:.]

and one from a while ago...
"u 4got ur smirnoff, txt me if u want me to bring it round, love mum xxx" [.:yes, i have her very well trained ;):.]

Mood: ditzy

(kiss me)

  2001.06.23  20.25
in a drunken stupor, 2 nights in a row? has this girl no shame?

day 1: F's party

1) B lost her knickers
2) T was sick in a compost heap then promptly fell unconscious
3) T pulled B - both female
4) B ended up flirting with T's boyf
5) we all ended up dancing in a rather distressing manner to the smiths - complete with morrissey impressions (yep - with gladioli and daffs!)
6) i randomly found a cigar and..well..smoked it.
7) A made people (yummy.. ahahaha NOT) cocktails of creme de cassis and strongbow *pukes*
8) F's dog attacked me - ha.
9) i ended up doing the infamous "emma the slut" dance, complete with stroking - oh dear.
10) we had a pretend threesome (me, D and H) - at least i HOPE it was just pretend - i cant really remember!
11) i dumped my boyf in a drunken stupor. think crying for no apparrant reason (FFS IT WAS ME DOING THE DUMPING!) and saying "ooooh im so so sorry" [.:but im so glad its done - i feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeee!:.]
12) i got home. just. after eating many many tortilla chips. mmmmm.

day 2: the prom

1) despite dumping mah boi we were still goin out that nite.. he was all over me.. argh.
2) i was drunk by the time i got there - as was my best mate J
3) i fell over about 7 times
4) i sat down, only to find my chair wasnt there and now have a HUGE bruise on my arse
5) mah boi and i...erm... ended up in a music room. and... a caretaker walked in *cringe* i dunno who was more shocked.
6) i actually danced!
7) the dancing i DID was actually my slut dance again. again, oh dear. (combined with the "feelin those bangin' garage beats" dance.argh.)
8) E shagged 2 different blokes in a cupboard.
9) J was surgically attatched by the lips to her new boyf - it really put me off my dinner.
10) numerous incriminating photos were taken
11) evidently i was "coming onto" K's date.. aha. me? do a thing like that? never. tehehe. well not intentionally, blame the alcohol.
12) someone stole a "kingston borough council" bin from outside school, and rolled it all the way home.
13) i walked all the way home with no shoes on - i dont wanna think about what i trod in on the way! eek!
14) my big silver balloon came undone and floated away. someone probs thought it was a UFO.
15) i sung. 'nuff said.
16) my boi ended up staying the night. he thought we was in with a chance. he wasnt.

woohoooo im single im free my life is worth living!

Mood: giddy

(3 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.21  12.01

YES - my exams are officially over
now for a lil bit of fun before work experience starts. oh dammit why did i tell day-vee-see to get an LJ - now hes writing all this poetic crap thats bloody impresive and puts me to shame with my mundane crap that i call my life.

i had my bleachy bits done yesterday - soso exciting - theres pics on my webby

anywho i wanna go now coz im in a well good mood - dont wanna waste it!

Mood: hyper

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.19  19.32
"if its not love then its the bomb that'll bring us together"

i used to have this best mate - R - who i went to school with from the time i was 9-11. then i moved away and we stayed in contact and went out on and off (when i was back home for holidays). once i moved back to england again we got into contact and were pretty good friends - but we fel out and ended up drifting apart - mainly because of havin a relationship. people, promise me you'll neva date ur best friend - its not a good idea take it from someone who knows.
anywho so we fell out. a coupla months ago i had to do some gay take your daughters to work day thing with my pa... and while i was there i met this grrl who goes to school with R now... so so weird. so she gave him my mobile number and now we're in contact again. woo!
so yeah...
i kinda still have feelings for him, partly cuz i know him so well and partly coz we're so similar - we say stuff at the same time and do the same stuff despite not being in contact with eachother.
for example ive been havin mixed feelings about the relationship im in at the moment, and he texted me out of the blue today sayin that he was too... for like, the same reasons... spoooooky.

infact - hes even more like me than dave-o... which is really saying something... *thinking* weird...

the weather heres so lovely... its so sunny. today J and i went to the rec and sunbathed. we were listening to no doubt and nirvana, perfect music for summer. we had it up kinda loud and didnt realise just *how* loud we were talkin about subjects u DONT wanna know about... hehehe... how embarrassing.. o well.... Js got a new boyf - he sounds totally adorable. i get to meet him on friday at the prom.. woooo! i cant help feeling insanely jealous that she has a nice boyf (despite him bein a family friend that she's kinda grownup with) and im still with You Know Who and worrying more about whether i should end it or not day by day. but hey, i believe in fate - if it was meant to end then it would have ended... surely theres a subliminal reason why im still with him... i just havent seen it yet. (maybe hes gunna get really rich when hes older - then again, maybe not)

life is so complicated with him. im sure a thousand people have said that before but it just is...


*beats desk with fists*

damn me to hell.
no not really.. please dont.

anywho i should be happy that other peoples lives are nice and dandy... yes... i should... aha...


"The wrath of the flurry spoon. U must repeat MUST turn the machine off prior to spoon removal. Or spoon scars will occur.Oh the malice. Oh the cutlery's anger!"

"Emzie, This is your texty.I texty Emzie cos she's sexy. Sexy Em the saucy femme, please texty back Clack, cos the wigga boy, he wants to be black."

Mood: creative

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.18  18.45
oh happy day. ahem.

today... hmmm... i had a physics exam.
which was shite (man are my exams goin well)
nothing happened apt from plannin my holiday with mum - probably goin 2 dubai.
i have nothing left to say, my day has been *that* exciting... hehehe...

Mood: tired

(kiss me)

  2001.06.17  18.24

Hmm. Secluded.

A place where you can shout and scream and rant and not be seen. I'm here and I'm secluded. Cos nobody knows of my existence here and nobody knows how I'm feeling.

But you can read this and so I'm not secluded. You can read this but you wont understand. You can laugh at me for confiding in a keyboard but I'll just raise the finger. Cos in that you express your loneliness and you paradoxily convey to me why I hate you upon your childish amusement.

You can read this and feel pity, feel confusion or feel sick upon asking 'why?'

But I'm here cos of certain things and you're here just to read my words. This has more meaning for me than you even tho in your reading you are the most involved.

But in the end it means nothing. Cos its small and unheard. Insignificant. Secluded.

this is something that one of my best mates wrote in my guestbook. his name's dave. i've never met him. but he knows me better than anyone else.
there are times when i wish he was here with me, coz he understands me y'know. the sad thing is that if we met up, things probably wouldnt be that fab. ok so im a cynic. so sue me. the fact is that i love him to bits, hes a fab mate. dave, if ur readin this, dont eva let me lose you ok?


(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.17  17.55
9 months huh? 9 month wasted?

today was so good. and now its so shit.
my "beloved" boyfriend and i have been plannin on goin out to celebrate our 9 monther for weeks.
until about an hour ago i was going.
he sends me a text message sayin "dad just sent me a message askin if u wanna go with me and my sis and him to dinner tonite - fancy this?"
todays fathers day so as well as the fact that i wanted to spend our anniversary WITHOUT his family (believe it or not), i thought it would be a bit rude to spend fathers day with my boyfs dad.. sure, go out just with my boyf tonite, but not that. no.
so he phones up later:
"hey there, so, what do u wanna do this evening instead?"
**YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS** i think... finally he gets the idea
so i say "well u can go out with your dad and ur sis if u WANT to... but i cant go, y'know."
and he says "ok then"
so now hes goin out with his dad and sister tonite and im stuck indoors.. after we'd had it planned for so long.

life can be so shit.

he was online earlier so i tried hinting again...
"its a shame im not seein u tonite :("
"grr, yeah, well... nevermind"


*sobs* i was really looking forward to this evening as well... 9 fucking months - i could have had his bloody child by now, and he goes out, with his dad, who hes not even that close to.

sure i gave him the green light to do so, but is he stupid or just has no fucking manners? WE HAD IT PLANNED, HE PROMISED HED KEEP TONIGHT FREE.

happy anniversary, emma.

(he hasnt even said that.)

Mood: fuck-off-and-leave-me-alone

(1 lover | kiss me)

  2001.06.16  20.31
hmmm... good mood again... wheeeeeee

i phoned mah boi
and the results were good, and bad.

i'll do the bad news first:

he doesnt wanna hire a dress suit for the prom, but wants to look in a charidee shpo for it. *cringe* and wear his school trews with it.. and a (shock) NORMAL shirt with his dicky bow... arrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wot a pikey!

good news *phew*:

* i think he'll fit in one of my dads DJs, which i must say is rather nice. (again, phew)
* he's dying his hair red with blue tips and spiking it for the prom... now THAT will look fab in the pics!!
* hes takin me out 2mo nite cuz its our 9 monther

hmmmmmmmmmm im gettin my hair cut on weds and havin the ends dip dyed in peroxide... how fab is that gunna look!

i gotta post my prom pics on here once its over and done with... yeah..

anywho i better chip

c'ya laytazz


Mood: hyper

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.16  12.15
~*more gemini characteristics*~

Gemini, the third sign of the zodiac, is symbolized by the twins and ruled by the planet Mercury. As the name of their ruling planet suggests, these natives are pure 'quicksilver,' dazzling you with their mental brilliance and intriguing you with their quick-witted charm. Have you ever tried to hold onto a ball of mercury or quicksilver? It rolls around in your hand seeming to vibrate electrically as it darts every which way, trying to escape your grasp. Just when you think you have it under control, it splits into two, each ball shooting in different directions until you've lost them both. The average Gemini is just about as difficult to hold on to. Just when you think you've caught their attention, they're off in a flash, racing to another rendezvous or finding new adventure. Even the more sedate Geminis will seem to escape your scrutiny, as if shrouded in a silver cloud of mercurial vapor, ready to disappear like Merlin or change personalities as easily as a chameleon changes color, all at a moment's notice. Sometimes they'll even split into two, right before your eyes, and you'll swear you're talking to two different people.

If the Gemini native sounds a little puzzling to you, you're not alone. Few can fully understand the whimsical nature of this truly enigmatic sign. Now you see them, now you don't, and sometimes you'll see double. Gemini is the sign of the twins, remember, and you'll have to consider you're dealing with more than one personality. Within each Gemini man or woman is at least two people, sometimes more, and you'll have to learn to tell them apart if you are going to have any success at all in dealing with the capricious sign of the twins.

You can expect June-born to exemplify the qualities of their ruling planet, Mercury. There is an electrical quality, an alert cheerfulness, especially in the eyes, which can make them some of the most engaging people you'd ever want to meet. Their mental alacrity is matched only by the quickness and eagerness of their movements, all bound up in an almost inexhaustible supply of nervous energy. You'll think their only speed is fast forward, but in the next moment, they'll be suave, cool and collected, endearing you with their wit and charm. On again, off again; up again, down again; this is the restless pattern of the natives of Mercury, and you need only visualize tiny spurts and sparks of electrical energy emanating from within their animated personalities to complete the picture. Their eyes sparkle with all the effervescence of champagne, and you'll be reminded of the children's song, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star. In their devilish smiles and knowing glances, you'll find an impish quality which keeps them eternally youthful .

The Gemini's build is usually slender, of average height or slightly taller, with a certain litheness of limb and movement. The arms may be unusually long, having the appearance of being loosely connected at the shoulders, and the natives may swing them when they walk in long sweeping movements. The features are finely chiseled but soft, with pleasing proportions. The eyes are most often light-colored, and the eyelashes are unusually dark and long, giving some female Geminis a somewhat feline appearance. Even the males will sometimes have eyelashes that would be the envy of many a female. The nose is usually straight, ranging from long to dainty, but never sharp, and the chin is usually well-proportioned and reserved. The general countenance is very alert and intelligent-looking, with a high degree of sensibility in all of the features.

The sign Gemini represents primarily the intellect and its communicative function, as quite apart from the functions of logic, analysis, and reasoning, which are perhaps better relegated to other signs. The Gemini has by no means been cut short of these latter faculties and can even bring them to quite magnificent expression. It's just that he generally becomes bored with their belabored intricacies, and would rather keep things on the light side. Thus we see born under this sign many newscasters, reporters, salesman, joke writers, clerks, actors and comedians, where dealing with the facts, or the topics themselves is all important, without delving too much into their ramifications or relationship to other things. The Gemini delights in the processing of information through his highly sophisticated, finely-tuned brain, and often he'll add twists of his own an analogy, an alliteration, a rhyme, a quip, witticism, or double meaning to the subject at hand, with such speed, facility, and finesse, that you are left only to marvel at the high development of his mental faculty. Sometimes you can almost hear the computer-like clicking of mental synapses behind matter-of-fact but intelligent eyes, as he comes up with ingenious turns of phrase, one after the other, without raising an eyebrow or even changing expression. Not all Geminis will demonstrate such quick minds, but with these natives there will always be an element of cool objective detachment.

The Gemini's prime directive is communication, and he'll engage in witty conversation, read you the stock market report or give you a rundown of current events all with apparent ease. There may be an apparent lack of reaction to what he has said, keeping you to guess whether he has been affected by the impact of his words. Just listen to any newscaster on the evening news, and you can appreciate the Geminian matter-of-fact delivery. In every case, it is a planetary influence in Gemini which allows the newsperson to talk about hundreds killed in Afghanistan, tornados in the Mid-West, and the weather, all with about the same tone of expression.

Though cool as a cucumber they may be, Geminis can never be accused of callousness. Actually, once you get to know them, they can be as warm, as concerned as any sign in the zodiac. Their cheerful affability can brighten up even the worst of doldrums, and they will always be the first ones there when you need them. Mercurial expression, however, is not particularly emotional, and therein lies the crux of the Gemini duality. With these natives, the focus of consciousness tends more toward their intellectual side, sometimes outweighing the emotional perspective. There appears to be a predominance of intellect over emotion, but it is appearance only. Just because their focus is intellectual does not mean that these natives are without heart. The emotions are highly developed and intact, but the Gemini's "modus operandi" so to speak, is usually from an intellectual perspective, not precluding emotions, but merely overshadowing them a good deal of the time. When the Gemini does show his feelings, they are expressed through a veil of intellectualism, and have the appearance of being acted out rather than genuine, superficial rather than real. Thus emerges the other twin of the Gemini duality, where giddiness may represent love, and glibness genuine caring. This second twin actually becomes a psychological necessity, providing the emotional balance to the Gemini's intellectual nature.

By now you may have deduced that the Gemini can be quite a gadabout. It's true. Like Mercury, the "winged messenger of the gods," these light-footed couriers seem to be in constant motion, running household errands, off to an appointment at the manicurist (Geminis love to have their nails done), grabbing a bite to eat at a fast food place (they hate to take the time to sit down and eat), picking up the kids at school, stopping off at the local bookstore and returning books to the library, all in an afternoon. In their never-ending crusade against sedentariness, Geminis manage to find an endless array of mobile activities to occupy themselves, and never enough time to do them all. Try and accuse them of gallivanting around town, and they'll defend themselves indignantly, "But all those things have to be done!" They do have a point, but now that you've caught the Gemini between mercurial assignments, can he or she just sit down and relax? No. Right away, the June-born will get on the telephone, make appointments with the hairdresser or barber, chat with friends, discuss some business arrangements with a colleague and order some hors d'oeuvres for a party that night. Before you know it they are back on the road again. Needless to say, life is never dull with the sons or daughters of Mercury around. When their bodies stop moving, their minds click back into action, keeping mercurial winds blowing in the whirlwind of activity that always seems to surround them. They'll never get along with stick-in-the-muds who want to just sit around all day. A Gemini just won't be held down.

As you might expect, Geminis can never aspire to a monotonous occupation or profession, or any humdrum activity that doesn't give vent to their restless natures. Gemini natives are endowed with an insatiable curiosity, and they need variety in everything they dotheir occupation, hobbies, interests, foods, recreation, and romance. If you're married to a Gemini, take heart. June born will rarely seek variety outside of the marriage, but they'll look to you for that extra measure of spice. Their romantic escapades rarely go beyond flirtation, but they are flirts! You may have to get used to calls in the wee hours from certain impressionable admirers who had fallen prey to your Gemini's cool, suave charms, and had taken them seriously.

It is a well-known fact that Geminis may tend to have a little 'larceny in their blood.' Their keen intelligence, their suave, debonair manner, their lightning-fast responses when under fire, and their superior mental abilities, all add up to the perfect attributes for a manipulator of any kind. Few Geminis will sink to the level of orchestrating schemes, but when they do, they are usually very good at it, and seldom get caught. To them, capers are just another mental game, and the Gemini can find immense pleasure in matching wits with the law or the public and coming out the victor. The average Gemini, however, manages to restrict his lower impulses to activities of less consequence. Little white lies are their foible, and they'll practice their art of verbal houdinism just for the fun of it. Next time you're in the market for a used car, better check out the salesman's birthday. If he's a Gemini, you could go home thinking you've bought a cherry of an automobile and end up with less than you bargained for.

Sincerity has never been one of their strong points, and Geminis can deliver a pretty convincing line of smooth flattery now and then, just for the sheer relish of the moment, without dreaming it could lead to anything. Intentional or not, their glib conversation can get them into some pretty embarrassing situations. As their dual natures would have it, however, they can talk themselves out of a jam just as easily as they got themselves into it, with equally convincing candor. What's worse is you'll believe them. Such is the Gemini's mastery of the language to be able to manipulate your thinking in any way he sees fit, to steer the bend of the conversation to any advantage he so desires, and have you love him for it. One minute you'll find yourself agreeing with him on a point, and in the next contradicting yourself by taking the opposite view, all through his ingeniously subtle prompting and mental sleight-of-hand. Some June-born will take devilish delight in bewildering you with their lightning-fast mental processes, and instead of being annoyed at their little game, you'll be fascinated by their mental adroitness.


(kiss me)

  2001.06.16  12.00
*~gemini characteristics~*

Sensitive, talkative, vacillating and sympathetic, you must cultivate perseverance, or your restlessness will inhibit true accomplishment. Variety is the spice of your life. You love to socialize, and you try to avoid deep emotionalism. You are eloquent, love to read and have many hobbies. You can be vague and irresponsible and need a constant change of scene. You should channel your ability and talent for communication so it does not become idle chatter.
The native will be kind-hearted, affectionate, fond of home and children, easily influenced by kindness, at times to his detriment. He (she) will also be intuitive, idealistic, fond of science with a great imagination. Possesses an active mind, and can be relied on to act quickly in an emergency. Is an experimenter or an investigator, quick reasoner, generally a good writer, likes to be busy and can engage in two occupations at the same time. Must be allowed to work in his own way. Changeful, inquiring, doubting nature, hard to understand at times yet versatile, alert, dexterous and skillful, ambitious, aspiring and loves change and diversity.

The Sun in Gemini is considered the sign of common air. They see things in a personal way and need to be constantly stimulated. The air sign people tend to "think" their way through any situation and are often very intelligent. They need to focus their thoughts to the project at hand, or their thoughts will carry them off. Being "common" or "mutable" these people have the talent to adapt themselves to any situation and are excellent in an emergency. Gemini is the sign of communication, so you are one who can exchange ideas and have the ability to see both sides of an opposing issue. When you can focus your thoughts and energy on one issue at a time there is nothing that can stop you from obtaining you personal goals.

Under the sign that symbolizes versatility and change, you are constantly on the go. You are kind, affectionate, sensitive, intuitive, and idealistic. Your mind is active, quick in reasoning, curious, versatile, inquiring, diverse, alert, and skillful. You are a difficult sign to understand, perhaps because you are so busy with so many things that others find it difficult to categorize you. Your fear of boredom and restless energy keep you jumping from one project to another. You devise several projects at the same time so that, depending on your mood, you can switch between them. In this, you are very much like the Virgo: you like to explore all avenues of expression. Your ability to interact with all sorts of people may be the greatest gift you possess, however you do have a tendency to spread yourself too thin.

Your busy-busy energy, experimenting ways, and your extrovert nature can make you a superficial person. You also need to develop your concentration, as your attention span may be a bit limited. You need to be careful, for you can easily scatter your mind into too many directions. In order to be truly successful, you need to channel your versatility for a purpose. Granted that it is difficult for you to stick to a predictable course, for stable conditions bore you. Unlike the Virgo to whom concentration and purpose are natural, you could waste your intellectual potential.

Since you are naturally competitive, there are many fields in which you could succeed easily. These include a career as a journalist, reporter, or commentator. You generally lack the patience for research positions. You should take hold of your restless energy, for it can become nervousness. (There are no differences in practice between a nervous Gemini and a nagging Virgo.)

This sort of indulgence is also reflected in your relationships and in your approach to life in general. Aside from being a bit flirtatious, you can actually experiment with several relationships at the same time, and you possess a unique gift for being sincere in every one of them. It is also fortunate that you can juggle your several affairs without falling into hot water. Once you settle down, you become attached to your home. The partner you will choose will not be necessarily the partner to whom you were attracted the most. As an Air sign, you are practical too. Love and romance alone do not lead you to marriage. You prefer a partner who can stabilize you without hindering you, one with whom you can have rapport at several levels. You pay high premium for wit, charm, and good conversation.

Depending on how you use the energies, you can be diverse or superficial, versatile or scattered, original or imitating, intellectual or shallow.


(kiss me)

  2001.06.16  11.48
still feeling uninspired

my mother has a migrane
my lifes getting to be a bit of a migrane
that wont go away
i dotn wanna die i just wish it would change
i need change in my life
thats why i loved living abroad y'know, constantly got different things happening
its gone stale

maybe im just getting lazy and not LOOKING for change.
why cant it just find me?

geminis need change. oh yes we do. i am SUCH a typical gemini... hmmm... its kewl yeah.

its raining again.
yep, today is gunna be miserable.
and i gotta go with ma boi to go get his prom suit... ohhmigod *cringe*

thats if i can even get hold of him :(

Mood: blank

(2 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.15  20.57
that joke isnt funny anymore

Park the car at the side of the road
You should know
Time's tide will smother you
And I will too
When you laugh about people who feel so
Very lonely
Their only desire is to die
Well, I'm afraid
It doesn't make me smile
I wish I could laugh
But that joke isn't funny anymore
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
It's too close to home
And it's too near the bone
More than you'll ever know ...
Kick them when they fall down
Kick them when they fall down
You kick them when they fall down
It was dark as I drove the point home
And on cold leather seats
Well, it suddenly struck me
I just might die with a smile on my
Face after all
I've seen this happen in other people's
And now it's happening in mine


(kiss me)

  2001.06.15  18.12
i just wanna be loved... i just wanna be loved...

why is it i always manage to look happy, even when im not.

i am so upset at the moment.

mah boi's goin out again tonite, to the place that he always goes. to the place that im happy to go to... when i know people there... but not when i dont.

he doesnt ask me straight out if i wana go
just says: "im goin there again tonite"
i say "again"
and its the end of story.

maybe its just me being cold...
it wouldnt be the first time

but he doesnt realise that i dont always wanna share him - i wanna be with him alone as well as with his people... i dont make him go on girly shoppin trips with me... he NEVER goes out with me and my mates.. what makes him think that i wanna go out with him and HIS mates on a piss up. fun as it can be, i cant afford it and i cant be arsed. its fun once in a while but not 24/7.

plus i cant stand the girls who are dating his mates... thats probably the main reason i dont wanna go.

does anyone out there understand what i mean? its crazy and i cant stand it... oh god does it piss me off... maybe i should just go. but i dont see why i should. anyway its too late now. always the case with me. typical bloody gemini. always changing my mind. bah.


i dont know why im still with him - i barely see him apt from when hes with his mates, and then all he wants to do is stand around talkin to them with his hand down my jeans... not something that i dont like, just feel that hes doin it just to prove something to his mates.

i do actually know why im still with him

its the prom this week

i need a date

i could probably get another one in time, just... y'know..

ok, plus the fact that u cant throw a relationship thats got as far as and as long as ours... thats stupid. and he has a nice arse ;)

i dont cry enough.

i want to cry now.

but my pride wont let me.

Mood: lonely

(5 lovers | kiss me)

  2001.06.14  11.01

i have something to be cheerful about
i just realised that i went out last nite
i managed to escape
but then my dads in chicago
i doubt he'll find out *LOL* (if i've got anything to do with it)

Mood: slightly happier

(kiss me)

  2001.06.14  10.46
last nite was decent - however a great anticlimax seems to have occured while i slept

last nite we went out
oh yes we did
it was prety fab actually
there were lots of us
twas fun.
even tho the police came.
thats nothing new.
we burnt our GCSE notes (screw the concept of re-takes) and flashed at the boats goin past... the blokes mooned obviously, that is *such* a bloke thing to do. we also made friends with a gay blader called matthew - bless him... he was 27 and we got on his nerves so much he went somewhere else to practise. ha.
im sposed to be revising right now but my miserable mood wont allow it
i dunno wots happened but im in a bad mood again
give me strength.
it might be because a lot of details that i didnt want to come out in the open *did* last nite... oh great. i blame alcohol, tho its unjustified.
a pact was made cuz a lot of details came out- not just from me - but i dont trust those guys... shite, im just gunna have to, nowt i can do about it now.
i'll be ok once i know if ema and emma hav told emz (too many emmas and emilys i know - soz) but until then - im just gunna sit here, be angsty, and, well, piss myself with nerves.


i better go revise drama, maybe doin a subject i actually *like* (there are few - trust me) i mite be able to get my mind off it

ok - im gunna go text ema and emma just to warn them.


Mood: anxious

(kiss me)

  2001.06.12  15.34
history and maths: a deadly combination.

do i care about standard deviation? no.
do i care about japan invading manchuria? no.
do i care about the fact that i've probably failed both exams? no? well yes actually but thats not the point.
do u care? no.
in that case i'll go... hmmm...

Mood: nauseated

(kiss me)

  2001.06.10  18.35
beneath the layers of greasepaint, here i am.

if i were a colour, i'd be pink. it always looks so happy....
..... but isnt always so brilliant. its a mix of brilliant white... shining light, clean, clear, peaceful and yet full of nothingness, with red, the colour of danger, blood and death. sometimes theres more red than white... sometimes more white than red.

im a drama student y'know... i have a natural talent for all things theatrical... but it means i have an inbuilt dramatic mechanism that automatically covers up when i feel depressed, so no one realises... sometimes not even me. im an eternal optimist, i always look on the bright side of things. this could be because i dont feel depressed much... or it could just be me.. but even so, this means it sucks when i feel depressed.

i feel depressed.

today is a more red than white day.

i miss my boi, even though he's 5 mins drive away... 20 mins walk... or just a phonecall away. im not phoning him, because i want to see if he can be bothered to phone me. im in one of "those" moods.

its not as though i have serious problems, like some people do. i dont want to die or anything. i just want to kick a hole in something, to play my music loud and shout offense down the phone at my boyf, even though i miss him and i love him and i want him here with me. im so mixed up. im full of love and hate and indifference.

i should be happy, my life's so good... yet im not. i feel smaller than something very small. i feel like a speck of dirt, like a maggot, like something that has no real meaning.

like a nothing.

and all the while im feeling like crying, like shouting, like swearing, like hating people and drinking and smoking, like i promised "him" i wouldnt anymore...coz smokings bad for you. it kills you. it suffocates you.

it makes you calm and makes you feel confident.

its disgusting when it smells all stale. evidently it repulses him.

i want to be repulsive. i want to be ugly. i want to make people think oh my god, what happened here. i want to dress like a slut and make people move seats. i want to stink of incense even more than usual. i want a reaction. i do what i want usually, and i get away with it. i dont want to, i want to make people sit up and take notice.

i w a n t a r e a c t i o n.

and still my life goes on, day after day, year after year...

"oh ignore emma, she's just like that. she's the weirdo, but we love her for it."

im the weirdo am i? damn right i am. but not the unpopular one. i've got friends. my mouth gets me in trouble. i say too much or too little or just the wrong things.

i love that.

i love the reaction.

the world's a stage... thats what i live by. i dress in costume, to suit my mood. i act flamboyant, i play the fool, i do serious melodrama. my life is a script.

yeah yeah, the author is having a great laugh right now, watching the audience see how mixed up i am, beneath all the layers of greasepaint.

but the last laugh's on me.

im acting

im acting

pretending everything's ok


it'll all be fine.

i dont have problems.

i dont have problems.

i dont have problems.

"ignore emma, she's just being all dramatic again, she's like that, but we love her for it."


(kiss me)

  2001.06.10  16.36

i just cant concentrate.

thought i'd rearrange my room a bit - always a popular activity when comepletely BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND. unfortunately my room's too full of crap to be able to move much around. everything is in the optimum place anyway.. grr. what can i dooooo.

im not bloody well allowed out (the weathers crap anyway so i dunno why i'd WANT to)and i dont think my boyfs too happy with me. dont know why. hmmmf maybe he has PMS *snigger*


This is our "music from a Bachelor's Den"
The sound of loneliness turned up to ten
A horror soundtrack from a stagnant water-bed
And it sounds just like this

This is the sound of someone losing the plot
Makin' out that they're okay when they're not
You're gonna like it, but not a lot and the chorus goes like this:

Oh Baby, here comes the fear again
The end is near again
A monkey's built a house on your back
You can't get anyone to come in the sack and
Here comes another panic attack
Oh, here we go again

So now you know the words to our song
Pretty soon you'll all be singing along
When you're sad, when you're lonely
And it all turns out wrong
When you've got the fear
And when you're no longer searching for beauty or love
Just some kind of life with the edges taken off

When you can't even define what it is
That you are frightened of
This song will be here

Oh Baby, here comes the fear again
The end is near again
If you ever get that chimp off your back
If you ever find the thing that you lack
But you know you're only having a laugh
Oh, here we go again
Until the end, until the end

Mood: frustrated

(kiss me)

  2001.06.10  16.00
still slaving away

why is it that when faced with revision - im willing to do anything BUT that.. for gods sake, i found myself offering to help my mum this morning.
worrying that.
im just printin off some note coz i have none whatsoever
why am i telling u this???


awwwwwwwwwwwwww *swoon*

Mood: stressed

(kiss me)

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